Learning from Mom’s Mistakes and Strengths

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

If I could change one thing about myself, I would be a better mom.

I never seem to have quite enough patience to ride the tide of mischief that is inevitable with three children. The laundry and the dishes always seem to call out the loudest just when my kids want to snuggle or tell me a story about their day.

I wake up in the morning and ask God to help me be the mom those beautiful kids deserve, and then I lie in bed at night and ask God to forgive me for falling short yet again.

My spirit would be completely broken if I didn’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that kids turn out OK, not despite their parents’ weaknesses but often because of them.

My mom is a kind and brilliant woman. She speaks three languages, is constantly in a state of learning something new, and shares her heart with others through her volunteer work. She is an enviable role-model.

I think my mom is someone I admire so much because she is proof that we can turn our lives around.

When I was in third grade, my mom made a tragic decision. She got a job teaching at a prison and fell in love with an inmate. She lost her husband (my father), her home, her job, and for a while, she lost her kids.

When her new husband was released from prison, he had an affair and the relationship was over. My mother ended up haunted by financial problems, depression and a palpable guilt over what she had done and all she had lost.

It took me a long time to understand that she always loved me. She just couldn’t take care of me and herself at the same time.

During all of the conversations we have had about this over the past few decades, one theme keeps popping up. My mom says the attention from this man was like a drug. She needed it. It clouded her vision until she couldn’t see how it was destroying her life. When she finally figured it out, it was too late. The damage was done.

Thankfully, the story doesn’t end there. Through the sadness and shame, my mom went back to school and earned her master’s degree at the age of 50. She ran her first full marathon on her 60th birthday. She bought her first home, all by herself, when she was almost 70.

My mom owns her mistakes. She takes full responsibility for them, but she refuses to let the past determine her future.

Mom, I appreciate you letting me share this story as a way to give hope to other people who are feeling like their sins are too big to be forgiven or that it’s too late to begin again.

I love you very much. If you are proud of the woman I’ve become, please know, it is all because of the woman you have become. Happy Mother’s Day.

Please continue to share your stories of kindness with me at nphillips15@

hotmail.com. Or send a letter to Kindness is Contagious c/o Nicole Phillips, The Forum, 101 5th St. N., Box 2020, Fargo, ND, 58107.

This column was written exclusively for The Forum

Nicole Phillips is a former television anchor for Fox News in Fargo, and currently the executive director of Diva Connection Foundation. She is the mother of three kids and the wife of Bison men’s head basketball coach Saul Phillips. Her columns run every Saturday.

Encourage Thoughts Based on Love

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

I have been trying really hard to become a better person, but I think I’ve reached a plateau.

I am now to the point where I can control my actions, but I’m having a hard time controlling my thoughts. For example, I will see trash on the sidewalk and stop and pick it up, because I know if I don’t someone else will eventually have to. It’s just the kind thing to do. Then I will be driving in my car and someone will cut me off, and I will think, “What a jerk! Are they trying to kill someone?” Not a very kind thought. Maybe that person is on the way to the hospital. Maybe that person just got some tragic news and he or she is not thinking clearly. Maybe I’m a terrible driver and annoying everyone around me. I simply do not have both sides of the story when I make snap judgments about people or their actions.

A Fargo friend of mine, Shelle Moran, sends out a daily email with inspiring and thought provoking messages. This week, she sent one that cut straight to my heart, because it reminded me of how far I have to grow. I felt compelled to share it with you.

“I recently attended a Narcotics Anonymous meeting as a supporter of some very, very incredible people in my life. As I cheered on those who have made small goals (even hourly goals for some), and cried with those who are feeling great sorrow for what they have done to themselves and others, I think about the laundry list of addiction that each one of us grapples with.

Addiction to worry
Addiction to alcohol
Addiction to money
Addiction to control
Addiction to power
Addiction to success
Addiction to approval
Addiction to sex
Addiction to perfection
Addiction to drugs
Addiction to work
Addiction to career
Addiction to food
Addiction to nicotine

How easy it is to feel justified in turning our backs on folks who have the ‘worst’ addictions. The truth is we all have frogs that hide in the scum of our ponds. As Day Makers we first identify our addictions and admit them to others. Then we go out and love recklessly. No addiction is more or less of a ‘sin.’ We are all broken.”

Thanks, Shelle, for allowing me to share your thoughts. I think many of us can relate. Kindness often takes the form of an action toward ourselves or others, but perhaps it needs to start in our heads.

For me, that means purposefully rejecting the thoughts that pop into my head that are based on bias or misunderstanding and only allowing myself to honor thoughts that are based in love.

Love builds compassion, and, sometimes, that is the greatest act of kindness we can give.

Please, continue to share your random acts of kindness stories at nphillips15@hotmail.com. Or send a letter to Kindness is Contagious c/o Nicole Phillips, The Forum, 101 5th St. N., Box 2020, Fargo, ND, 58107.

Nicole Phillips is a former television anchor for Fox News in Fargo, and currently the Executive Director of Diva Connection Foundation. She is the mother of three kids and the wife of Bison Men’s Head Basketball Coach Saul Phillips. Her columns run every Saturday.

Choose a flood of kindness this spring

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

Sunshine! Warm (well, warmer) temperatures!

It’s amazing how my mood fluctuates with the weather forecast.

I have been sitting under a gray cloud for far too long, and it’s making me crabby. No amount of bottled Vitamin D can do what Mother Nature does. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s time for an attitude adjustment. I need spring, and I need it badly.

But here’s the problem: Spring isn’t going to come easy. It’s going to come with a flood fight.

In the past week, my driving has been disrupted by detours in anticipation of this flood. Roads are either closed in preparation for water or because extremely large vehicles need space to dig and move around dirt.

I saw a rare Fargo traffic jam as a line of trucks carrying sandbags was led down the road by a police escort. I can only imagine the expletives coming from the people in the cars three blocks back who were wondering what the hold-up was all about.

Our daily routines are being modified without our consent. The river is rising, and if we’re not careful, our tempers will rise right along with it.

We have a choice to make. We can choose to live the next few weeks allowing worry and impatience to cloud our minds or we can choose to lead with kindness and gratitude.

I am choosing Option 2.

I am so grateful there are people willing to work more than their 40 hours a week to make sure this region is ready for whatever is coming. I’m grateful to city leaders who take time to share their predictions to keep us in the loop. And I’m grateful for volunteers who gave up their free time to fill and lay sandbags.

Now, as we sit and wait and reflect on what we’re grateful for, we can continue to fight off the worry by being kind. Ask an elderly neighbor, someone who lives by the river, or a friend whom you know is without family if there is anything you can do to help them prepare for this flood. Even if you aren’t able to physically help them, your genuine concern over their welfare will be appreciated.

Perhaps when we look back on this year, we won’t just remember the height of the river or the number of sandbags piled, perhaps we will also remember Spring of 2013 for a flood of kindness.

Kindness Takes on Viral Nature

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

Everyone makes the choices they make for a reason.

You work at your job because you either love it or you need to get paid. You commit random acts of kindness because you want to make the world a better place or you hope karma will pay you back.

I write this column for two reasons. One, I have a life mission to prove that kindness really is contagious; and two, I am chasing the ever elusive words to explain how amazing it feels to be kind.

I got to see both of my personal motives play out this week in real life.

You have probably heard about things going viral. If songs, dance crazes and wacky videos of cats playing the piano can inspire people to turn on their computers, why can’t stories of kindness inspire people to look beyond themselves and reach out a helping hand?

I believe they can, and thanks to readers who continue to share these stories, like Laurelee Oenick from Fargo, kindness is spreading.

“Dear Nicole,

My mom, Judy, lives in Wisconsin and just loves hearing the ‘Fargo Nice’ stories from your Kindness is Contagious column.

“In our telephone chats I tell her about your column all the time. She agrees with me that Fargo is a very special place to live and raise children.

“She has apparently decided to bring a little bit of ‘Fargo Nice’ closer to her home in Wisconsin.

“She told me how she was in line at the grocery store the other day and the man in front of her did not have enough cash to pay for all of his groceries. He was about $7 over, so he put aside a frozen pizza and a few other small items. My mom told the cashier that she would pay for the pizza and the other items.

“The man said, ‘Oh, are you buying the pizza now?’ She replied, ‘No, I’m buying it for you! It’s called being Fargo Nice. People in Fargo just do nice things for others all the time. Now you can pass it on by doing something Fargo Nice for someone else. Enjoy your pizza!’

“The man thanked her and got into his truck with a surprised expression on his face. My mom is sure he is going to pass it on.”

Laurelee, thank you for helping me accomplish one of my two goals by spreading the message of kindness.

Goal No. 2 played out this week when I got to see what it looks like when someone experiences the high of committing a random act of kindness for the very first time.

My 9-year-old daughter was helping me watch my girlfriend’s 3-year-old daughter. When the playdate was over, my daughter asked if we could stop at Target to buy a doll for her young friend. She was just certain this little girl’s night would be made if we could also make a quick delivery.

So, at 7:30 at night, my daughter was at my friend’s front door with the doll in hand. It may have made that little girl’s night, but it made my daughter’s entire week.

She couldn’t stop talking about the look in little Waverly’s eyes when she saw the doll. Or how messed up the doll’s hair was going to be because Waverly would probably have to sleep with it every night. Or how Waverly would probably treasure the doll so much that she would pass it down to future generations. Well, maybe not, but you get my point.

My daughter finally “got it.” She now knows exactly how elating it feels to step out of her comfort zone and love boldly.

Trying to explain that feeling to someone is like trying to explain what the color blue looks like. You’ve just got to experience it for yourself.

So, as you face a week full of choices both important and mundane, I hope you will commit to making a conscious decision to better your own life and the lives of others by choosing to be kind. You’ll be helping me to further my personal missions, and who knows, maybe karma will get you back.

Please continue to share your stories of kindness with me at nphillips15@hotmail.com. Or send a letter to Kindness is Contagious c/o Nicole Phillips, The Forum, 101 5th St. N., Box 2020, Fargo, ND, 58107.

‘High Five’ Can Make a Big Difference

Posted on April 16, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

I’ve spent a lot of time this past week thinking about how much I love Fargo.

Sure, it’s cold. And windy. And snowy. But the love that I have for Fargo lies in the heart of its people.

My work, gym, stores and church are all filled with people who greet me with sincere smiles. Even the people I don’t know seem to say with their eyes, “I am glad you are here.” I haven’t lived too many places, but I’m pretty sure it’s a gift to be surrounded by people who care.

Sometimes I wonder how long it would take to tell each of the people in Fargo who touch my life just how special they are to me. I started doing the math, and it got larger than my comprehension level very quickly. Let’s just say, if I thanked one person a day, I wouldn’t even be half-way through my list by this time next year. But since you’ve got to start somewhere, I’m going to begin by giving some long overdue high fives.

This Thursday is National High Five Day. Here in Fargo, thanks to the Lend a Hand organization, there will be a powerful opportunity to tell people how much we appreciate them.

Lend a Hand supports families in medical crisis by helping volunteers plan and market benefit events. The money those volunteers raise is matched by Dakota Medical Foundation, and 100 percent is distributed to the families in need.

Instead of loved ones having to “recreate the wheel” to put on a charity event, Lend a Hand walks them through the process. It’s really an amazing organization, not only because it helps to ease the financial burden of a medical crisis, but also because it reminds the families that they are cared for through the healing power of friendship.

Lend a Hand is raising funds for its families by taking a new spin on National High Five Day. It’s called Give a High $5 Day.

This Thursday, every gift of $5 or more made online to Lend A Hand will be matched by Dakota Medical Foundation and distributed to local families through the Lend A Hand giving fund.

Here’s the part I really love: with every donation, you can designate a high five honoree who will receive a “You have been high fived” e-card and video featuring community members demonstrating their best high fives.

It’s a pretty neat way to tell your friends you think they are special and to showcase how a little generosity can make a big difference.

If you’re wondering how much of a difference Lend a Hand makes in this community, let the numbers speak for themselves. Since the program started in 2008, more than $5.2 million has been donated to 225 families in medical crisis.

Think of how many more families will be helped because you chose to give a High $5.

I hope you’ll put it on your calendar and go online this Thursday to donate at www.impactgiveback.org. While you’re at your computer, visit www.dakmed.org/lendahand to meet some of the local families in need and learn about other ways you can support them.

Not many places can brag about a community-wide act of kindness like Give a High $5 Day. I think I’ll add it to the list of reasons I love Fargo.

Friends Build Bridge of Kindness

Posted on April 6, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you know calls for thoughtfulness, but you truly don’t know which act of kindness could even make a difference?

Last Saturday, I pulled the bright orange plastic bag off The Forum to see a headline announcing that a Duluth man had died in a plane crash.

As I was finalizing a grocery list for Easter dinner, another woman somewhere was forced to start making funeral arrangements.

I don’t know the man or the family, so this could have been a headline that caused a moment of ache in my heart before I moved on to the next thing.

But I was reminded of how closely we all are connected a few days later, when a friend and I took our dogs for a long walk in Johnson Park. She told me she was friends with the man’s mother and would be going to the funeral.

My friend was hurting, and I didn’t know what to do.

I find myself in that situation a lot. I have another friend who lives far away from Fargo, but I feel her pain across the miles and struggle with what I can do to help.

This friend has seven gorgeous children, all younger than 13. Her oldest daughter has thyroid cancer, so family vacations have been replaced with several trips a year to the Mayo Clinic.

A few weeks ago, this friend found out her 8-year-old son is going blind. She is frantically searching for a surgeon who can fix his eyes. And now her husband has lost his job.

I just sat there and cried when I found out because I want so badly to help her, but what can I do to offset problems that are so big?

It seems futile, but reading her Caring Bridge site reminded me that sometimes it’s not the size of the gesture, it’s just about letting someone know they are not alone. I want to share with you part of her latest post:

“I was blindsided with a gut punch last week. I was upset and sad and anxious and TIRED. … When I was told about my son, I fell down … I couldn’t stay upright. It’s one of those moments where you only have the energy to breath in and out.

“As a friend was saying how she was praying for us and our family (and as ashamed as I am to admit this), I screamed out ‘I can’t eat prayer! I can’t write P-R-A-Y on a check to Mayo and pay for my daughter’s cancer check up.’ I wasn’t upset with her for praying for my family; she knew what I meant. I was broken down from our circumstances.

“Later, I got a phone call from my daughter’s basketball coach’s wife. She asked me if I could meet her the next day to get my car fixed up. I was so taken aback, all I could do was giggle and sob. I was shocked that someone who knew us would think to help me; with tires. But there’s more, stay with me …

“The next day, I was handed a basket from the families at school. In that basket were love offerings like you wouldn’t believe! My sweet and dear girlfriends had rounded the wagons around my family and those people loved all over us. We’ve been given so many blessings: meals for nearly three weeks, gift cards, movie passes, flowers, phone calls, fixed tires, fixed washer … and while waiting for my washer to be fixed, someone came to me and said she couldn’t give me much but wanted to give me 10 dollars in coins so I could go to the laundry and wash clothes! How very sweet and heart warming. The fact that people are begging to know exactly how to help us, the fact that my hometown is sending me love notes and love offerings … my childhood friends are letting me know they are loving on me in prayer. Oh, I am so humbled and speechless in thanks … and ashamed I threw my little (OK, maybe not so little) tantrum.”

I’m so thankful my friend let me share this with you because it is a testimony to the power of love. We don’t have to do everything to help a person who is hurting, we just have to do something. Together, those little acts of kindness add up to something very big.

Easter Shows Ultimate Act of Kindness

Posted on March 30, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

What would you die for? Is there anything or anyone on this earth that is that important to you?

I can go through a laundry list of things I’m grateful for, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, there are three people for whom I would give my life.

I would die for my children. I truly feel that way. I think most of us as parents do. We cannot stand the thought of losing our children or even seeing them hurting.

That’s what gets me about the story of Easter. God loved us so much that he allowed his only son to endure torture and then death so that we could have life in heaven.

I was never able to comprehend the reasoning behind that until I realized that God sees all of us as his children. He knew he had to let one of his children suffer for the benefit of all of them.

It was the ultimate act of kindness.

Easter is the most important holiday on the religious calendar for Christians because it marks our ability to join God in heaven. It is a time of celebration because through his death and resurrection, Jesus paid the price for every sin we will ever commit. God can once again see us as He made us, as perfect creatures.

There is great joy waiting for us every day if we can wake up each morning and look at ourselves through God’s eyes. He is not seeing a work in progress, He is seeing a work of art. Knowing that allows us to take risks, like loving others in big ways without the worry of being rejected.

If I could give you one gift today to celebrate the miracle of Easter, I wouldn’t give you a basket full of jelly beans or a big chocolate bunny. I would give you this message with the hope that it will remind you to be kinder to yourself: God loves you. He is proud of you, and he thinks you are perfect.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples,” John 13:34–35.

Lessons in Kindness Last a Lifetime

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

My kids spend so much time at school that I often feel like their teachers have a better idea of their strengths and interests than I do.

In an effort to extinguish my mom guilt, every day I ask my kids three questions that give me a pretty good idea of how the day went.

1. What was your “glad” today? (In other words, what happened today that made you smile.)

2. What was your “sad” today?

3. What was your act of kindness today?

When I first started asking these questions three years ago to my then-kindergartener, it took a while for her to understand that being kind to someone is more than being quiet while the teacher is talking or letting a child sit by you at lunch. Kindness is what happens when you do more than is expected of you.

I was thrilled to get this email from Janet Bartley in Fargo who is giving the kids in her care a head start.

“One very snowy evening I left my yoga class at the YMCA only to find I had no scraper in my car.

A young man saw me and offered to clean my windows. He said it would be his random act of kindness for the day, which he was doing for a class at school.

As I drove away, I thought about how smart this life lesson could be for the kids we work with in our day care.

I believe a child is innately kind to his or her family and to people they know, but we need to integrate more kindness into their characters at a young age so that when a situation comes up with people they don’t know, they will act with compassion. More importantly, children will start to recognize and admire acts of kindness they experience, and make them a part of their character forever.

We decided to make February Random Act of Kindness Month. Each day during “school time” we discussed what a random act of kindness is, and gave them some examples, like my snowy eve situation. Every day we asked if they had a random act of kindness to share.

“I made my bed,” “I did the dishes,” “I cleaned up” were all very good, but we were still looking for that nonfamily kindness.

Then one day, Heather, a 3-year-old, said, “My dad did a random act of kindness! He stopped the car and helped a lady out of the snowbank.” All the kids were so proud of him.

Later, when we told her dad about it, he said he had helped a woman in her wheelchair get across Broadway, and when he got back in the car, Heather said, “Dad, that was a random act of kindness.” He was blown away that his daughter knew what that meant. His wife told him that evening that day care was working on recognizing and carrying out acts of kindness for the month.

Obviously, our emphasis at this age has been simple – smiles can brighten someone’s day, kindness doesn’t have to cost anything and being nice makes your heart feel good. We keep asking about random acts of kindness, and we are seeing our kids being nicer and kinder to each other. It is our hope that we are making a difference and that kindness becomes a big part of their forever character.”

Janet, thank you for sharing that great idea. I hope the kids you care for now will visit you in 20 years so you can see how well they turned out thanks to your acts of kindness.

School Shows Kindness with Hot Dish

Posted on March 16, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

There is an incredible movement of kindness happening at Fargo’s Ben Franklin Middle School. I don’t know the exact process of the evolution, but it seems to go something like this.

First, there was a principal named John Nelson who reminded the students every day of his personal philosophy: The school is a family, and everyone who sets foot in the building needs to look out for each other.

Then, little kindnesses began to happen, like when the teachers brought new sweatshirts or socks for students who were going without.

Now, the entire Ben Franklin community is coming together in a major way to make sure that the kindness felt on school grounds follows the students home.

It’s called the Hot Dish Club.

Last spring, two teachers overheard students talking about how they don’t get warm meals at night in their homes. These teachers, Deb Hallquist and Katie Love, felt so strongly about providing for their students that they decided to take action. They pooled their time and money to start the Hot Dish Club.

Deb and Katie sent out a survey to every student in the building to find out who needed a meal and who wanted to volunteer. About 15 students admitted they needed the food and another dozen committed to helping.

Now, every other Tuesday after school, you can find a group of students finding common ground over a hotdish recipe. When they’re done measuring and mixing, they take their aluminum pans onto a bus waiting to take them home. The students bake their dinner in their own kitchens so the whole family can enjoy the aroma and the taste of a home-cooked meal.

Deb and Katie still run the program, but they no longer have to foot the entire bill. After sending out an email to their fellow staff members, contributions exploded. Their peers wanted to help and so did many others. Sam’s Club gives a monthly gift card, a Bell State Bank & Trust employee gave his Pay it Forward money, parents drop off grocery store cards, a Secret Santa delivered $250, a Girl Scout troop collected a pantry full of food, and many Ben Franklin students even donate their allowances.

A group of Fargo North students heard about the program and made chili so the kids would have a warm meal over the long Christmas break.

Several North Dakota State University students have started stopping by Ben Franklin on Hot Dish Tuesdays to help put together the meals.

Deb and Katie say they love hearing the reactions of their Hot Dish Club members when they report back to school the next day. The kids are proud that they learned how to create a meal and provide for their families.

When I asked the teachers what they wanted from the community, both Deb and Katie said they wanted to make sure you knew that this seemingly large act of kindness is quite simple and could easily be duplicated in other schools, churches and senior centers. They hope the Hot Dish Club becomes contagious, because in their experience, kindness is a dish best served hot.

Helping Those Without a Home Feel at Home

Posted on March 3, 2013 by Nicole Phillips

I am privileged. Every night I get to go to sleep in a soft bed, and every morning I get to wake up in a warm house.

I’m starting to understand that even though that is the normal for me, it is considered an incredible privilege by many in our community.

Several hundred people in the Fargo-Moorhead area rely on groups like Churches United for the Homeless, New Life Center and FM Sheltering Churches.

John Roberts, who is the Shelter Operation Director at Churches United, says every one of the 275 shelter beds are taken each night, and community organizations continually work hard to find space for the 60 to 75 additional people who need someplace warm to sleep.

Where do those people go on a cold North Dakota night? Some are bused to area churches where volunteers set up air mattresses and welcome their weary guests.

Diane Sanders of Fargo had the privilege of being one of those volunteers. She said the experience was touching and wanted to encourage others to join in.

“I worked at the overflow for the homeless at my church, St. Mary’s Cathedral. We served snacks and were able to visit with those needing a bed. All of them were so grateful for a warm place to sleep. I guess what surprised me the most was that these guests were not what I had pictured. My stereotypes were wrong. It could have been any of us.”

Hard times don’t just fall on the unlawful, uneducated or unshowered. Troubles that pull like quicksand can capture all of us. It is then that we rely on the kindness of others to give us a hand back up to solid ground.

You can be that helping hand in two ways.

First, volunteer for a shift or even part of a shift through FirstLink, by dialing 2-1-1 or (701) 235-7335.

Second, the community leaders I spoke with ask that you help create more affordable housing in the F-M area by encouraging landlords and property managers to work with case managers to give people a second chance. The housing market is tight, and according to Roberts, property managers can afford to be picky.

Instead of being fearful of a potential problem, perhaps we can encourage landlords to look for opportunities to be incredibly kind by giving someone the chance to begin again.

I hope you get to go to sleep tonight in a warm, cozy bed. And I hope you feel, like I do, that it is a privilege.

Mystery solved

Last Saturday, I ran a photo in this column asking readers to identify the people in the picture so a camera memory card could be returned to its rightful owner.

Thanks to many of you, that memory card is back in the hands of Kim Harbott.

Thank you, Kari Werlinger, for your tremendous kindness in keeping the card safe for the last seven years. Thank you also to Kara, Eeva, Michelle and Sarah for your clue-containing emails.

I have to admit, it was incredibly fun to be part of this mystery.